Pegi and I keep in touch every few weeks. I am happy to report that I continue to make progress. I've done some backsliding, but now that my awareness has been raised, I don't want to ever allow those old feelings to control my life again. I visited extended family – Lady La – a few weeks ago. I really felt free to disclose, rather than hide my feelings.
While I was away from home for 6 days, Quinn called me several times to complain about things that I neither had control over or couldn't 'fix' while I was 2500 miles away! In the past, I would have hidden my feelings from La. Although I was out of everyone's earshot when I spoke to Quinn, I talked about it to the 3 women that were in the house after I hung up. Their advice made sense to me and I plan to implement their suggestions.
What changed for me is that I didn't feel like I was a failure when I was confiding in my friends. They could 100% relate to what I was going through. I felt stronger, rather than weaker. This is so huge for me because I have felt so alone in my feelings. Suddenly, I feel free to not be so perfect!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Declutter With Scrapbooks
I'm getting good at trashing things that have no real resale value and no sentimental or useful value to me. Several years ago, I began creating scrapbooks for my family. In my new de-cluttering mode, my scrapbooks have helped me sort through what has value and what doesn't.
Quinn and I have a scrapbook of our travels and our life together. It has helped me sort through stuff we have collected in an objective manner. If it doesn't go into the scrapbook, it gets tossed.
I have a scrapbook for myself that has photos of my son and I, plus his baby photos and some family photos (with my ex) that I treasure. I also made a similar book for my ex with father/son photos. In addition, I am doing a book for my son with a blending of family photos as well as the wedding pictures from my wedding to his father.
With leftover photos, I plan to make little books for Aunties and Uncles. Once I’m through, leftover prints can be discarded. After all, how many of the same (or nearly the same) photos do we need? Plus, I still have negatives to reprint older photos and CDs to reprint newer photos should I need to. These can easily be stored in a safe deposit box or at the home of a relative for safekeeping.
I also have 2 boxes of treasures and a rocking chair in my garage that were given to me by an old 'partner'. The boxes have photos of his family, plus family heirlooms that his Grandmother (0ne of my role models) gave me. I have treasured these items for so many years but no longer feel that they belong to me. When I locate him, I will send him the boxes. If he wants the original Stickley rocking chair that his parents gave me, I will make sure it is returned to him.
Paring down is soooooo liberating!
Quinn and I have a scrapbook of our travels and our life together. It has helped me sort through stuff we have collected in an objective manner. If it doesn't go into the scrapbook, it gets tossed.
I have a scrapbook for myself that has photos of my son and I, plus his baby photos and some family photos (with my ex) that I treasure. I also made a similar book for my ex with father/son photos. In addition, I am doing a book for my son with a blending of family photos as well as the wedding pictures from my wedding to his father.
With leftover photos, I plan to make little books for Aunties and Uncles. Once I’m through, leftover prints can be discarded. After all, how many of the same (or nearly the same) photos do we need? Plus, I still have negatives to reprint older photos and CDs to reprint newer photos should I need to. These can easily be stored in a safe deposit box or at the home of a relative for safekeeping.
I also have 2 boxes of treasures and a rocking chair in my garage that were given to me by an old 'partner'. The boxes have photos of his family, plus family heirlooms that his Grandmother (0ne of my role models) gave me. I have treasured these items for so many years but no longer feel that they belong to me. When I locate him, I will send him the boxes. If he wants the original Stickley rocking chair that his parents gave me, I will make sure it is returned to him.
Paring down is soooooo liberating!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Clearing Out Clutter
I have continued to sell things on Ebay. I've made about $1000 to date. The items I have sold were unused, bought at Tuesday Morning several years ago. I was able to recoup my 'investment'. No profit, but I'm happy to have $1000 more in my bank account! I'm also selling off excess inventory from my business at wholesale. Again, I'm not going to make a profit, but most customers purchased sale items as well as regular priced items. I'd rather sell off excess inventory while it still has some value. I've sold around $250 in excess inventory in less than a week. I have about $300 more to go.
I'm still having a hard time putting stuff back in the rooms that were painted a while back. Every week, when I find a charity flyer or bag on my doorstep, I take a box and throughout the week, I add saleable items to it. On pickup day, I set the box out. It feels good to clean out my closets and to donate SALEABLE items to a variety of charities.
I'm still having a hard time putting stuff back in the rooms that were painted a while back. Every week, when I find a charity flyer or bag on my doorstep, I take a box and throughout the week, I add saleable items to it. On pickup day, I set the box out. It feels good to clean out my closets and to donate SALEABLE items to a variety of charities.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Clearing Clutter for $$$
Last week, I decided that if I wanted to get my hair done I should find a way to generate some income to pay for it. So, I put some stuff on Ebay and made enough money to pay for cut/color with about $300 left over. I think that the best part was how I felt when I looked at the empty shelf in the garage. I wasn't thinking about how to fill it up again or what I was going to do with the money I made. I just felt good that I found new homes for some really nice stuff that no longer fit my lifestyle.
It feels good to get rid of 'things'. I'm feeling less tied to stuff. I can't wait to put more things on Ebay!
It feels good to get rid of 'things'. I'm feeling less tied to stuff. I can't wait to put more things on Ebay!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Moving Forward
Pegi and I finished our last 'formal' session a week ago. I say 'formal' because Pegi is always there for me – she is just a phone call or an email away! Knowing that someone who understands how I feel makes moving forward so much easier. If I come to a roadblock or find myself regressing, I can drop Pegi a line and she will help me through it.
One of the issues that I am struggling with has to do with confiding in others. I hate feeling less than perfect and when I do, I hate even more having to admit it. So, I rarely let on to anyone when things aren't going great. On the other hand, I don't say much when things are going really well either. 'Don't air your dirty laundry' and 'It is rude to brag' have been messages I have heard my entire life.
Pegi and I spoke several times about how important it was for me to open up to other women. There are two very important women in my life, O and Lady La, who I have know for nearly thirty years. They are like my sisters. Many times, over the years, I have held back when it came to talking about my disappointments and difficulties (see the dirty laundry reference above). I know that I could tell them anything but it is so hard for me to do so. Over the last ten years, I don't reach out to them as often as I want to because I usually feel that I don't have anything to say. Yet when we do connect, either in person or over the phone, we talk for hours.
During our last session, I promised Pegi that I would call at least one of them during the week. So, on Thursday, I called O and left her a message. Although she was in the middle of class, she called me back during her break. We made an 'appointment' to chat Saturday morning. When we talked on Saturday, I allowed myself the luxury of opening up a little regarding my business and a few other things. We made a date to have lunch in SaMo in a few weeks. Baby steps.
One of the issues that I am struggling with has to do with confiding in others. I hate feeling less than perfect and when I do, I hate even more having to admit it. So, I rarely let on to anyone when things aren't going great. On the other hand, I don't say much when things are going really well either. 'Don't air your dirty laundry' and 'It is rude to brag' have been messages I have heard my entire life.
Pegi and I spoke several times about how important it was for me to open up to other women. There are two very important women in my life, O and Lady La, who I have know for nearly thirty years. They are like my sisters. Many times, over the years, I have held back when it came to talking about my disappointments and difficulties (see the dirty laundry reference above). I know that I could tell them anything but it is so hard for me to do so. Over the last ten years, I don't reach out to them as often as I want to because I usually feel that I don't have anything to say. Yet when we do connect, either in person or over the phone, we talk for hours.
During our last session, I promised Pegi that I would call at least one of them during the week. So, on Thursday, I called O and left her a message. Although she was in the middle of class, she called me back during her break. We made an 'appointment' to chat Saturday morning. When we talked on Saturday, I allowed myself the luxury of opening up a little regarding my business and a few other things. We made a date to have lunch in SaMo in a few weeks. Baby steps.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Day 28
I look at my life as a work in progress. Along the way, I hope that I will continue to grow and change in ways that will improve my life as well as those who are close me. I believe I accomplished so much in such a short time with Pegi because I was ready to make a change in my life. I already knew that money fears and many of my roadblocks were in some way related to my Mom.
One would think that an intelligent woman could figure out what changes to make in her life and then just make them. But it doesn't work like that! I doubt that I would ever have fully understood why my paralyzing fear of abandonment played such an important part in my everyday life. I didn't have any idea just how deeply rooted these fears from childhood were and how many different areas of my life they adversely influence!
One would think that an intelligent woman could figure out what changes to make in her life and then just make them. But it doesn't work like that! I doubt that I would ever have fully understood why my paralyzing fear of abandonment played such an important part in my everyday life. I didn't have any idea just how deeply rooted these fears from childhood were and how many different areas of my life they adversely influence!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Day 27
Fear seems to control so much of my life. I am finally realizing that when I allow fear to make my decisions for me, I am not being true to myself. To make matters worse, the decisions I make out of fear are never what I really want! At best, they are a compromise. But normally, they are what others want – not what I want! The silly thing is, I am an intelligent woman and most decisions I make that are not out of fear are really great decisions!
When my son and I were on our own, I came up with a really gutsy plan. We had the greatest two years ever! Then I allowed my inner 4 year old to come out and play on occasion. My decision making became cloudy. That little 4 year old began appearing more and more. The more appearances she made, the more that fear influenced my decisions rather than my own good sense.
It is that fear that has influenced my life for the last time.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Day 25 - Day 26
Fear of expressing anger or displeasure is a huge issue for me. I know that I have spent too much of my adult life 'stuffing down' my anger / displeasure / disappointment / fear. I have allowed myself to gain weight during the low / insecure times in my life because of all of the above. I then keep the excess weight on because during these times, it is the only thing I feel that I am in control of.
Sometime ago, I realized that being overweight was also a 'test' for the people in my life. If 'they' still love me when I'm overweight (don't abandon me), then they are OK. Once I feel 100% okay/secure that I will not be abandon, I can lose weight. The weight stays off because I don't have to 'stuff down' the fear of being abandon.
Thanks to Pegi, I understand why I am afraid of being abandoned in the first place. As a little girl, I was 'banished' to my bedroom when I misbehaved instead of my mother dealing with the issue at hand. I grew up feeling that if I displeased the people that I loved, they would leave me. I never learned to confront people in a rational manner. I wait and wait until I can't stand it any longer. By then, I am angry and / or hurt and the other person doesn't understand why I'm so mad because it is the first time I have talked about or confronted the situation. It is not fair to the people I love and it is not fair or healthy for me either.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Day 24
I know that building self confidence has to be done in small steps. As I trust myself – my decisions – I will move towards one of my core goals – Total Confidence.
Making commitments, even small ones, and then keeping them helps build confidence. One of the 'gages' I use for trusting someone is whether or not they say what they are going to do and then do what they said they were going to do.
I have committed to read my screenplay every workday during my lunch break. Giving myself permission to take thirty minutes out of every day for myself is a commitment. Keeping this commitment makes me feel good about myself – and feeling good about myself makes me feel a little more confident. It's amazing how trust in yourself grows as your confidence grows.
Making commitments, even small ones, and then keeping them helps build confidence. One of the 'gages' I use for trusting someone is whether or not they say what they are going to do and then do what they said they were going to do.
I have committed to read my screenplay every workday during my lunch break. Giving myself permission to take thirty minutes out of every day for myself is a commitment. Keeping this commitment makes me feel good about myself – and feeling good about myself makes me feel a little more confident. It's amazing how trust in yourself grows as your confidence grows.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Day 23
"Who is driving the bus?" Pegi has asked me that question over and over again. It has taken me the longest time to finally get it! Sure, I always said that it was my 4-year old 'self'. But, I really didn't get it. I didn't understand that when 4 year old 'me' is driving the bus I am not being true to myself; my hopes, dreams, aspirations, desires, and abilities!
When I'm stubborn and can't verbalize rationally, it is my inner 4 year old that is digging in her heels and saying 'no' or even sometimes saying 'yes' when she should really be saying no! Understanding who is driving the bus has freed me to explore my honest feelings to situations or 'requests' from my family. I don't have to say yes out of a feeling of guilt. I can say no because it is the right thing to say.
I also feel that moving forward, I will be able to respond more clearly, not do so much back peddling. One of the issues I have with my son is that I bargain too much. Then, because I did so much negotiating or restating a request, I often forget the details we agreed upon. That doesn't help either of us. My son is unclear about what I expect and I'm unclear about what to expect. Keeping commitments, clearly stating the task, conditions, or expectations will help us communicate and to have a healthier relationship. I'm revoking my inner 4 year olds driver's license today!
When I'm stubborn and can't verbalize rationally, it is my inner 4 year old that is digging in her heels and saying 'no' or even sometimes saying 'yes' when she should really be saying no! Understanding who is driving the bus has freed me to explore my honest feelings to situations or 'requests' from my family. I don't have to say yes out of a feeling of guilt. I can say no because it is the right thing to say.
I also feel that moving forward, I will be able to respond more clearly, not do so much back peddling. One of the issues I have with my son is that I bargain too much. Then, because I did so much negotiating or restating a request, I often forget the details we agreed upon. That doesn't help either of us. My son is unclear about what I expect and I'm unclear about what to expect. Keeping commitments, clearly stating the task, conditions, or expectations will help us communicate and to have a healthier relationship. I'm revoking my inner 4 year olds driver's license today!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Day 22
Years ago, I used to buy scads of clothes, gorgeous clothes, because I felt that my life was miserable. I was married but lonely. I would actually get a rush when I signed the credit card slip. It wasn't a happy rush but rather a cold, clammy, almost out-of body feeling. My ex husband didn't mind my spending. We had the money, and he just wanted me to be happy. I guess that we both thought that a fabulous wardrobe (I bought him great stuff too) and a perfect house would make us happy.
Fast forward to three years ago to when I was laid off from a financially great job. Whenever I withdrew money from my savings account to pay my bills, I experienced a similar rush. I found myself paying my bills late to put off that feeling of doom. But of course eventually, I had to pay the bills, feel the feeling of dread, but I had the added bonus of late charges!
I got over most of my needless spending a number of years ago. The voice was still there, telling me that I deserved a 'treat'. I just resisted the urge to spend. Today, I understand who that voice belongs to and now I no longer listen to that child that has 'the wants' because she is depressed, lonely, overworked, sad, happy, under-whelmed, uninspired, etc. Buying something, whether I can afford it or not, has never satisfied any of my needs.
Fast forward to three years ago to when I was laid off from a financially great job. Whenever I withdrew money from my savings account to pay my bills, I experienced a similar rush. I found myself paying my bills late to put off that feeling of doom. But of course eventually, I had to pay the bills, feel the feeling of dread, but I had the added bonus of late charges!
I got over most of my needless spending a number of years ago. The voice was still there, telling me that I deserved a 'treat'. I just resisted the urge to spend. Today, I understand who that voice belongs to and now I no longer listen to that child that has 'the wants' because she is depressed, lonely, overworked, sad, happy, under-whelmed, uninspired, etc. Buying something, whether I can afford it or not, has never satisfied any of my needs.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Day 21
Pegi keeps asking me, "Who is the monster in my closet?" The monster is my fear. In my case, it is the fear of disappointing my parents. What is so funny about this whole sad scenario is that unless I turned into a crazed drug-addict prostitute serial killer, I wonder if I could truly disappoint my parents.
I move through life, afraid of not living up to my parent's expectations, yet they never set any expectations for me to live up to! If I got a C in school, I got the same reaction as when I got an A. I graduated from high school a year early. My parents never asked me what I wanted to do. They allowed me to sit around for seven months. I house sat for them while they went to Alaska. I did nothing but read a bunch of books. I didn't have a car so I was pretty much stuck.
My parents expected nothing, or so I thought. My older brother returned from overseas while our parents were gone. I remember making a huge spaghetti dinner and stopping up the kitchen sink. Don't put onion peels down the garbage disposal. We couldn't wash dishes until the plumber came out. My folks came home a week early to a dirty kitchen – with every pot and pan, every dish and fork, unwashed. My Dad unclogged the sink, they left the house for two hours, and I put everything to rights. Now THAT disappointed them. Two days later, I got a job and moved out.
Funny how my parents probably don't remember when they hosted the main course in a progressive dinner for about twenty people. They left the kitchen, formal dining room, and family room a mess. I think I was 15 or 16 year old at the time. Anyway, I cleaned up everything—every piece of china, crystal, and silver was carefully hand washed and dried and put in its storage container. The linens were put in the dry cleaner's basket, pots and pans were cleaned, as was the stove, sink, and counters. The extra chairs were returned to the storage closet. The house was perfect. I remember how thrilled my parents were.
Over the decades, I have tried so hard to make them feel that proud of me again, but if they do, they never show it. At least not like that! I'm now starting to realize that I need to be proud of ME and not worry about my parent's reaction. They probably won't have one anyway!
I move through life, afraid of not living up to my parent's expectations, yet they never set any expectations for me to live up to! If I got a C in school, I got the same reaction as when I got an A. I graduated from high school a year early. My parents never asked me what I wanted to do. They allowed me to sit around for seven months. I house sat for them while they went to Alaska. I did nothing but read a bunch of books. I didn't have a car so I was pretty much stuck.
My parents expected nothing, or so I thought. My older brother returned from overseas while our parents were gone. I remember making a huge spaghetti dinner and stopping up the kitchen sink. Don't put onion peels down the garbage disposal. We couldn't wash dishes until the plumber came out. My folks came home a week early to a dirty kitchen – with every pot and pan, every dish and fork, unwashed. My Dad unclogged the sink, they left the house for two hours, and I put everything to rights. Now THAT disappointed them. Two days later, I got a job and moved out.
Funny how my parents probably don't remember when they hosted the main course in a progressive dinner for about twenty people. They left the kitchen, formal dining room, and family room a mess. I think I was 15 or 16 year old at the time. Anyway, I cleaned up everything—every piece of china, crystal, and silver was carefully hand washed and dried and put in its storage container. The linens were put in the dry cleaner's basket, pots and pans were cleaned, as was the stove, sink, and counters. The extra chairs were returned to the storage closet. The house was perfect. I remember how thrilled my parents were.
Over the decades, I have tried so hard to make them feel that proud of me again, but if they do, they never show it. At least not like that! I'm now starting to realize that I need to be proud of ME and not worry about my parent's reaction. They probably won't have one anyway!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Day 20
My entire life, when someone apologized to me, I always said "oh, that's ok, don't worry about it". It didn't matter how much they hurt me or how wrong they were. I always downplayed my hurt so that they would not feel badly. I was watching a movie late the other night and one female character was apologizing to another for just about the worst thing you can do to your best friend. The recipient of the apology was still hurting – maybe not ready to forgive, perhaps she would never forgive, but I loved her response. She said "Thank you". She also said something like "I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you but Thank you." You knew that she was still hurting – that she may never forgive and it was OK. She was entitled.
The lesson I learned was that I can acknowledge an apology without downplaying the hurt, disappointment or whatever emotion I am entitled to feel. I don't need to take ownership for any part of the issue that I am not responsible for and if I forgive before I am ready to, or downplay my feelings, then I am not being true to myself. I am only giving in because I fear abandonment!
This is so very powerful!
The lesson I learned was that I can acknowledge an apology without downplaying the hurt, disappointment or whatever emotion I am entitled to feel. I don't need to take ownership for any part of the issue that I am not responsible for and if I forgive before I am ready to, or downplay my feelings, then I am not being true to myself. I am only giving in because I fear abandonment!
This is so very powerful!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Day 19
Today was one of those days where it was all work and no play. Quinn came home after being gone almost the entire week. It was wonderful to have him back again. Our scrappy little puppy went wild! As is usually the case, when he gets home, he requires a lot of 'attention'. We always have a lot to share.
After lunch, I started to work. I had a project that was going to require most of the day to complete so I knew that I was in for a long afternoon/night. The only difference between this long work day and other similar days was that I stopped to eat meals at meal time, I did what I call my 'brain dump' (more about this another time), and most importantly, when I took my afternoon break, I read twenty more pages of my screenplay.
Although I am making lots of margin notes, I am finding myself enjoying my characters and their plight. I find that I am looking forward to reading the next 20 pages. I love that I am feeling guilt free about the time I am spending writing. In the words of Martha Stewart, "this is a good thing!"
After lunch, I started to work. I had a project that was going to require most of the day to complete so I knew that I was in for a long afternoon/night. The only difference between this long work day and other similar days was that I stopped to eat meals at meal time, I did what I call my 'brain dump' (more about this another time), and most importantly, when I took my afternoon break, I read twenty more pages of my screenplay.
Although I am making lots of margin notes, I am finding myself enjoying my characters and their plight. I find that I am looking forward to reading the next 20 pages. I love that I am feeling guilt free about the time I am spending writing. In the words of Martha Stewart, "this is a good thing!"
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Day 18
My good intentions went all awry today. But – I took Pegi's advice and delegated (I learned new word today!) some of my work tasks to my son. He is very detail oriented and quickly caught on.
His compensation went into his college fund. He did an excellent job and freed up time for me to work on a difficult problem. It was a win-win situation. My son learned a new skill, earned a few bucks, and I believe he felt good about 'a job well done'. I learned that I can delegate tasks to someone else – I just have to match the task with the right person and give them enough information so that they understand what I am trying to accomplish.
I also decided that instead of giving my son the money, it should go towards his tuition and books. I will be finding other tasks he can do for me to help pay for his education.
His compensation went into his college fund. He did an excellent job and freed up time for me to work on a difficult problem. It was a win-win situation. My son learned a new skill, earned a few bucks, and I believe he felt good about 'a job well done'. I learned that I can delegate tasks to someone else – I just have to match the task with the right person and give them enough information so that they understand what I am trying to accomplish.
I also decided that instead of giving my son the money, it should go towards his tuition and books. I will be finding other tasks he can do for me to help pay for his education.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Day 17
Today was the first day of my new work schedule. After my walk, I spent thirty minutes processing email, and then closed Outlook so that I wouldn't be tempted to look at it until lunchtime.
I scheduled an hour for my first project, but it took an hour and a half. Since this project was more important than my next scheduled project, I decided to completed this one, and then devote the remaining time to writing notes for a project that I need to do tomorrow. Project two was rescheduled for tomorrow.
I took a real lunch break – ninety minutes. I had a real lunch – sat down, ate a light, healthy meal, and then reacquainted myself with my screenplay. I read the first twenty pages. Rather than try to rewrite anything, I made notes on the printed copy. By the time I finished twenty pages, I remembered later scenes that require clarification earlier on in order to make sense. My notes will help me identify those scenes when I come to them.
I also remembered how we changed one of the characters after the screenplay was complete. Reading from page one tells me that the character needs revert to how we originally wrote him. Note to self: Trust my vision; don't change a character's persona unless it moves the story forward! Thirty minutes well spend.
After lunch, I did a few household chores and visited with a neighbor. After I came home, I processed email and printed off some articles to read tonight. I reviewed my marketing plan, detailing my questions and concerns.
This evening, I am closing Outlook and plan to spend some time reading and enjoying how quiet my house is when everyone is off doing their own thing! Today was good – it was well balanced. I accomplished business and personal projects. I gave myself permission to explore my creative endeavors and guess what? There was no little voice in my head telling me that I 'don't have time' or that my 'little story' was just a nice little hobby!
I scheduled an hour for my first project, but it took an hour and a half. Since this project was more important than my next scheduled project, I decided to completed this one, and then devote the remaining time to writing notes for a project that I need to do tomorrow. Project two was rescheduled for tomorrow.
I took a real lunch break – ninety minutes. I had a real lunch – sat down, ate a light, healthy meal, and then reacquainted myself with my screenplay. I read the first twenty pages. Rather than try to rewrite anything, I made notes on the printed copy. By the time I finished twenty pages, I remembered later scenes that require clarification earlier on in order to make sense. My notes will help me identify those scenes when I come to them.
I also remembered how we changed one of the characters after the screenplay was complete. Reading from page one tells me that the character needs revert to how we originally wrote him. Note to self: Trust my vision; don't change a character's persona unless it moves the story forward! Thirty minutes well spend.
After lunch, I did a few household chores and visited with a neighbor. After I came home, I processed email and printed off some articles to read tonight. I reviewed my marketing plan, detailing my questions and concerns.
This evening, I am closing Outlook and plan to spend some time reading and enjoying how quiet my house is when everyone is off doing their own thing! Today was good – it was well balanced. I accomplished business and personal projects. I gave myself permission to explore my creative endeavors and guess what? There was no little voice in my head telling me that I 'don't have time' or that my 'little story' was just a nice little hobby!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Day 15 - 16
Sometimes I can be very stubborn – the 'dig in your heels and not budge' kind of stubborn. After two weeks with Pegi, I am thrilled to know that it is my inner four year old self that is being so childishly stubborn. After all, wouldn't a woman of 'a certain age' be able to make intelligent, non emotional decisions? That cute, golden haired little girl, with the big blue eyes and quick smile really knows how to 'just say no!'
I know that many times throughout my life, this stubborn little tyke kept me out of trouble. Growing up, I rarely succumbed to peer pressure. That was a good thing. I still don't succumb to peer pressure. But now, I'm not a teenager. I don't have to call up that unmovable child inside me. When I make decisions, I need to know why I am saying yes, no, or maybe. Through Pegi, I am beginning to see that when I can't verbalize why I refuse to do something, it most likely is that 4 year old child in me that has taken over.
Years ago, a male friend and I wrote a screenplay. It is funny, clever, and still topical today. I took a few screenwriting classes at UCLA and received very positive feed back from my instructors.
In 2005, we decided to pitch our 'baby'. Unlike my partner, I tend to feel that my 'work' is a private part of me and hadn't really shared it with anyone. When I would talk to my parents about it, I always felt that they dismissed it as 'a nice little hobby.' I remember my mom always being more interested in interjecting her own ideas into our story - ideas that were way off base because she never listened to the story! She also said that since I was enjoying the process, it didn't matter if I sold it or not! Gee, and I wonder why I have always been so terrified to tell others, especially strangers, about our totally brill screenplay! After all, if Mom doesn't see a marketable value, why should anyone else?
I also think that I'm terrified to pitch/discuss my work because pitching is like bragging and I was never allowed to brag – I don't think I even know how to really brag. An employer once commented that I needed to learn to be 'self promoting.' But how could I be when I was taught that it was rude to brag about your accomplishments?
So, Pegi and I talked about dusting off the screenplay and getting it ready to pitch. My inner four year old dug in her heels and firmly said "No! I don't have time right now!" A week later, I gave Pegi the same answer. We ended up with a compromise (Pegi is brilliant). Since I am making a huge effort to add more structure to my day, I will take a lunch break every single work day. During my lunch break, I will pull out my screenplay for 40 minutes and begin reviewing it.
When I woke up this morning, I handled important business first. I am going to spend the next hour making business calls, paying bills, and then my niece and I are going to see the movie version of Mama Mia (we saw the original on Broadway and loved it). Seeing movies on the big screen always inspires me.
Quinn will be home tonight so I'll have him get my box of screenplays out of the garage for me. I am finding myself actually feeling a little giddy about this!
I think I just gave myself permission to do this!
I know that many times throughout my life, this stubborn little tyke kept me out of trouble. Growing up, I rarely succumbed to peer pressure. That was a good thing. I still don't succumb to peer pressure. But now, I'm not a teenager. I don't have to call up that unmovable child inside me. When I make decisions, I need to know why I am saying yes, no, or maybe. Through Pegi, I am beginning to see that when I can't verbalize why I refuse to do something, it most likely is that 4 year old child in me that has taken over.
Years ago, a male friend and I wrote a screenplay. It is funny, clever, and still topical today. I took a few screenwriting classes at UCLA and received very positive feed back from my instructors.
In 2005, we decided to pitch our 'baby'. Unlike my partner, I tend to feel that my 'work' is a private part of me and hadn't really shared it with anyone. When I would talk to my parents about it, I always felt that they dismissed it as 'a nice little hobby.' I remember my mom always being more interested in interjecting her own ideas into our story - ideas that were way off base because she never listened to the story! She also said that since I was enjoying the process, it didn't matter if I sold it or not! Gee, and I wonder why I have always been so terrified to tell others, especially strangers, about our totally brill screenplay! After all, if Mom doesn't see a marketable value, why should anyone else?
I also think that I'm terrified to pitch/discuss my work because pitching is like bragging and I was never allowed to brag – I don't think I even know how to really brag. An employer once commented that I needed to learn to be 'self promoting.' But how could I be when I was taught that it was rude to brag about your accomplishments?
So, Pegi and I talked about dusting off the screenplay and getting it ready to pitch. My inner four year old dug in her heels and firmly said "No! I don't have time right now!" A week later, I gave Pegi the same answer. We ended up with a compromise (Pegi is brilliant). Since I am making a huge effort to add more structure to my day, I will take a lunch break every single work day. During my lunch break, I will pull out my screenplay for 40 minutes and begin reviewing it.
When I woke up this morning, I handled important business first. I am going to spend the next hour making business calls, paying bills, and then my niece and I are going to see the movie version of Mama Mia (we saw the original on Broadway and loved it). Seeing movies on the big screen always inspires me.
Quinn will be home tonight so I'll have him get my box of screenplays out of the garage for me. I am finding myself actually feeling a little giddy about this!
I think I just gave myself permission to do this!
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Day 14
The house is quiet. Quinn got up early, then went back to bed for a few more zzzzzs. My little puppy is asleep at my feet. I read back over my journal and am feeling overwhelmed – and as gloomy inside as it is outside. I am an intelligent, capable, woman. How could I not see what was happening to me? I have made so many choices based on fear. Some choices, of course, worked out great for me. I never did drugs, wasn't promiscuous, didn't lie, steal, or cheat. But I also didn't take chances, didn't follow my heart, and the woman on the outside never lived up to the woman on the inside.
My fear of disappointing my parents dominates everything I do! The pathetic part about it is that my parents don't even know and if I ever told them, which I never will, they would tell me that I have a good life, should be happy with what I have. My Mom's answer to many of the things I dreamed of doing was "now that would make a good hobby." She always told me how creative and talented I was, but then, when I wanted to move my life in that direction, she never encouraged me. I talked to her because I wanted and needed her approval. It was important to me for her to be proud of me for something other than being a good wife, mother, and homemaker. At my last job, with all the perks and bonuses, I earned a 6 figure salary. My mother never said "way to go!" She said something like "that's nice dear."
My Mom and I used to make up little stories. She has a delightful imagination. When I wrote an entire screenplay, Mom always referred to it as 'a little story.' When I went on pitches, she never even asked how it went! A feature length screenplay is no small deal - no 'little story'.
Right now, I have to take a breather and remind myself that I do have great parents. They love me unconditionally and would do anything for me. But they are flawed. They are products of their upbringing, just as I am.
As I sit here by myself, I am wondering why I still worry about disappointing my parents. Why should I be ashamed if I do happen to fail or if I do disappoint them? Shouldn't I be more concerned with disappointing myself? I have spent so many years feeling paralyzed! So many years feeling alone. I have self sabotaged so many of the things I have started because of the fear of failing later on down the road! My mantra was "if you don't try, then you can't fail."
I'm tired of being scared to death to move my life in the direction I want it to go in! I think I'm ready to move on.
My fear of disappointing my parents dominates everything I do! The pathetic part about it is that my parents don't even know and if I ever told them, which I never will, they would tell me that I have a good life, should be happy with what I have. My Mom's answer to many of the things I dreamed of doing was "now that would make a good hobby." She always told me how creative and talented I was, but then, when I wanted to move my life in that direction, she never encouraged me. I talked to her because I wanted and needed her approval. It was important to me for her to be proud of me for something other than being a good wife, mother, and homemaker. At my last job, with all the perks and bonuses, I earned a 6 figure salary. My mother never said "way to go!" She said something like "that's nice dear."
My Mom and I used to make up little stories. She has a delightful imagination. When I wrote an entire screenplay, Mom always referred to it as 'a little story.' When I went on pitches, she never even asked how it went! A feature length screenplay is no small deal - no 'little story'.
Right now, I have to take a breather and remind myself that I do have great parents. They love me unconditionally and would do anything for me. But they are flawed. They are products of their upbringing, just as I am.
As I sit here by myself, I am wondering why I still worry about disappointing my parents. Why should I be ashamed if I do happen to fail or if I do disappoint them? Shouldn't I be more concerned with disappointing myself? I have spent so many years feeling paralyzed! So many years feeling alone. I have self sabotaged so many of the things I have started because of the fear of failing later on down the road! My mantra was "if you don't try, then you can't fail."
I'm tired of being scared to death to move my life in the direction I want it to go in! I think I'm ready to move on.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Day 13
It is funny how organized or together a person can feel until they begin a thorough inventory of their life. When I started this journey with Pegi Burdick, The Financial Whisperer, I thought that it would be a simple, straightforward look into why I have money fears. That simple look has turned into a 'whole person' makeover. I have the same fears about money as I have about almost everything in my life; success, creativity, relationships, and self image. I feel like my fears have kept me captured in a bubble. I can see what my life should or could be but I'm afraid to leave the safety of the bubble and venture forth into the life I was meant to lead.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Day 12
I'm trying to balance my Life Boxes (see Day 3).
My Romance/Relationship Box has been difficult because Quinn has been out of town on business for 1/2 of the week. This isn't likely to change until 3rd Qtr. Luckily for me (and our relationship) he enjoys having a date night – even an entire day. He is also very caring. When he returned home yesterday, we went to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants for lunch, then to a concert at The Grove. This afternoon, we are going to do our shopping and other errand - together.
My Family Box could use a little work. Although I connect with my family regularly, I think I need more quality time with several members of my family. My adult son and I need to work on reconnecting. I can see areas in his life, which affect me, that need adjustment. I don't want to let this get anymore out of whack than it is already. Helping him be more responsible and more accountable is going to be a challenge. However, as I become healthier, I will be able to deal with my son with greater confidence and authority!
My Business Box has been overflowing but now that my programming is done, testing complete (successfully, I might add!), and my marketing campaign set up (not implemented yet), I will be able to really get in and start building my business – but not devote so much time that I can't enjoy other parts of my life.
My Physical Health and Spiritual Boxes were somewhat neglected. When I have a huge project, I tend to focus on that and let the me stuff slide. This is an area I need to work on. It is an area that I always need to work on!
My Romance/Relationship Box has been difficult because Quinn has been out of town on business for 1/2 of the week. This isn't likely to change until 3rd Qtr. Luckily for me (and our relationship) he enjoys having a date night – even an entire day. He is also very caring. When he returned home yesterday, we went to one of our favorite Mexican restaurants for lunch, then to a concert at The Grove. This afternoon, we are going to do our shopping and other errand - together.
My Family Box could use a little work. Although I connect with my family regularly, I think I need more quality time with several members of my family. My adult son and I need to work on reconnecting. I can see areas in his life, which affect me, that need adjustment. I don't want to let this get anymore out of whack than it is already. Helping him be more responsible and more accountable is going to be a challenge. However, as I become healthier, I will be able to deal with my son with greater confidence and authority!
My Business Box has been overflowing but now that my programming is done, testing complete (successfully, I might add!), and my marketing campaign set up (not implemented yet), I will be able to really get in and start building my business – but not devote so much time that I can't enjoy other parts of my life.
My Physical Health and Spiritual Boxes were somewhat neglected. When I have a huge project, I tend to focus on that and let the me stuff slide. This is an area I need to work on. It is an area that I always need to work on!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Day 11
Pegi has suggested some books for me to read. I'm only familiar with one of the three, "The Artist's Way." I checked online for used copies of some of the recommended reads, but with shipping, from 3 different sellers (couldn't find all of them from the same used source), the total seemed a bit too high for used books. I called a few local used booksellers but was unable to locate two of the books within a reasonable driving distance. Unbelievable!
The List
"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert – I googled Ms. Gilbert – went to her website – and she sounds like someone I would like. Her book is definitely on my list. It is going to be made into a movie. It sort of sounds like "Under the Tuscan Sun" meets "Food For The Heart". One of her articles was the inspiration for the movie "Coyote Ugly".
"Now Discover Your Strength" by Marcus Buckingham (33 examples of personalities) was suggested for my son and I to read and take the assessment test. I decided to read the reviews on the Buckingham book and didn't like what I saw. First of all, if you buy a used copy, you can't take the assessment test on line. It has a 1-use access code. Second, I noticed that many of the comments from non-HR and counselor types indicated the information in the book was" just a bunch of psycho/babble." Professionals liked the book, but then they probably understand the results and several said that they used it in conjunction with other evaluations. Not sure if this is the book for me/us! My son can take similar tests at school.
"The Artist's Way" by Julie Cameron – I think I have a copy of this somewhere in storage in one of my Dad's buildings. But, since I found a copy at a local used bookstore for only $5.95, it hardly seemed worth it to drive an hour to LA to find my copy – if I do in fact, have one. One of the reviews I read said that Cameron kept talking about God in a religious context. I started wondering if this book might not be my cup of tea. However, I bought it anyway. After reading the introduction, which I now try to do, Cameron explained that you don't have to believe in a particular entity – or even one at all to be successful with her 'program'. I do believe in a higher being, but I don't like to have it forced on me. The reviewer probably didn't read the intro! Cameron's explanation worked for me!
Today's mail brought me a notice from EDD. The government has extended some unemployment benefits. I was asked to re-file to see if I qualify for an additional 13 weeks of benefits. This would be great for me right now. Fingers crossed.
The List
"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert – I googled Ms. Gilbert – went to her website – and she sounds like someone I would like. Her book is definitely on my list. It is going to be made into a movie. It sort of sounds like "Under the Tuscan Sun" meets "Food For The Heart". One of her articles was the inspiration for the movie "Coyote Ugly".
"Now Discover Your Strength" by Marcus Buckingham (33 examples of personalities) was suggested for my son and I to read and take the assessment test. I decided to read the reviews on the Buckingham book and didn't like what I saw. First of all, if you buy a used copy, you can't take the assessment test on line. It has a 1-use access code. Second, I noticed that many of the comments from non-HR and counselor types indicated the information in the book was" just a bunch of psycho/babble." Professionals liked the book, but then they probably understand the results and several said that they used it in conjunction with other evaluations. Not sure if this is the book for me/us! My son can take similar tests at school.
"The Artist's Way" by Julie Cameron – I think I have a copy of this somewhere in storage in one of my Dad's buildings. But, since I found a copy at a local used bookstore for only $5.95, it hardly seemed worth it to drive an hour to LA to find my copy – if I do in fact, have one. One of the reviews I read said that Cameron kept talking about God in a religious context. I started wondering if this book might not be my cup of tea. However, I bought it anyway. After reading the introduction, which I now try to do, Cameron explained that you don't have to believe in a particular entity – or even one at all to be successful with her 'program'. I do believe in a higher being, but I don't like to have it forced on me. The reviewer probably didn't read the intro! Cameron's explanation worked for me!
Today's mail brought me a notice from EDD. The government has extended some unemployment benefits. I was asked to re-file to see if I qualify for an additional 13 weeks of benefits. This would be great for me right now. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Day 10
Today, I read Pegi's paper "Our Home: Chaos Verses Perfection." Wow! Did this one hit a nerve! During our first session, Pegi asked me how orderly my house was. I sort of downplayed my feelings about the state of my home. For the past 5 years, I have had a love-hate relationship with my house. Parts of my house are clean and fairly orderly while other areas are a disaster. When I 'analyze' the areas that make me nuts, I find that I have allowed others to control these areas. Fortunately, I can close these rooms off from the rest of the house – but they still do exist – and I know they are there, begging for attention. Sometimes, the 'bad' parts make me want to walk out the front door and go somewhere else, somewhere orderly. Over the past year, I have become increasingly conscious of how scattered I feel when the house is out of sorts.
The Good
Our bedroom and bathroom are clean and pretty much in order. Our closets and dressers are organized. A couple of years ago, we stripped off the outdated wall covering in the bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom never got painted because the walls require some repair and a lot of prep. Last week, Quinn said he would hire a painter and have the bedroom painted in the next few weeks. In the master bathroom we did a mini makeover; walls painted, new vanity & faucet, new towel bars, floor, and lighting.
The family living spaces – living room, foyer, dining room, main bathroom, and laundry area are in order – and usually are. If we didn't have our scrappy little terrier dragging stuff in from the garden, the living room would be perfect all the time! I feel that the balance of personal items, furniture, and open space are right for us. We have a huge, walk-in pantry that I go through every year to clean out expired food and things that I know we aren't going to use. The pantry could use a little straightening though – about 30 minutes tops.
The kitchen is in fairly good order. The cupboards aren't overflowing, dishes are neatly stacked. We usually put the dishes in the dishwasher as soon as we are finished eating. Once the dishwasher is through its cycle, the clean dishes are put away. The few items throughout the day that require hand washing are put in the sink until after dinner. I'm fine with that because there is rarely much in the sink.
The Bad
The guest bedroom took a tumble for the worse when my son inherited some furniture from his father. My son's guitars and the excess furniture from his father are stored in that room. I'm not happy about that because about six months ago, Quinn and I painted the room and I purchased fabric for window coverings. We were going to put a daybed and bookcases in the room for my books (which are mostly in storage) and my scrapbook supplies. On the plus side, this room could be put to rights in about 2 hours, if I could find a place for the guitars, a few excess pieces of furniture, and did some closet reorganization. My son needs to help me with this!
Since my son is rarely home, his room seems to be a dropping off spot for laundry and for him to crash when he isn't at his girlfriend's. To make matters worse, he recently inherited a bunch of furniture from his father which makes my son's bedroom over crowded. On the bright side, I can close his bedroom door and pretend the room doesn't exist. However, that doesn't help my son learn to be organized or to take care of his belongings. My son needs to go on a 3 hours cleaning/organizing spree!
What used to be my office has been taken over by Quinn. We love spending time together, but the office was too small for both of us to comfortable work in. As soon as I moved my desk and bookcase into a corner of the living room, Quinn filled up the office with bookshelves, filing cabinets, and boxes of memorabilia he is listing and selling on Ebay. Unfortunately, his collections are too valuable to be stored in an outside storage shed. However, I HATE that the little space I created for myself long before I met Quinn is now over flowing with stuff. It was my own little sanctuary and I loved it. The kids were only allowed in when I invited them in. We used to snuggle up in a big comfy overstuffed chair that I have had my entire life, and have tea and biscuits and read or tell silly stories. Today, I really looked at my little room – saw it for what it has become and I cried. I need to let go of this because as long as we live in this house, that will be his office and I strongly feel that people need their own space to do with as they please.
The Ugly
Our garage currently contains inventory for two businesses (mine plus Quinn's), various keepsakes, clothes, etc. In addition, my son stores his fishing equipment and boxes of toys in the garage. Since my son is twenty-six and no longer plays with Legos, Masters of the Universe, and various action figures, most of the toys in the garage should be donated to charity. He has a few collections plus his train set, and a few really nice things like the rocking horse his Grandpa made for him, that he can keep to pass down to his children.
Quinn needs to move the classic car parts(which he is in the process of selling – it is a very slow process) that are in the garage into another storage area. He has promised to purchase a free standing unit to put on the side yard, outside the garage (and out of view from the house and garden) so that we can organize the garage.
Solutions
Pegi's formula for organization, The 3-Ds is pretty straightforward; Do (fix, take care of), Dump (get rid of – trash, charity, sell) and Delegate (assign someone to do/dump). We need to set up a schedule and all pitch in on this one.
The Good
Our bedroom and bathroom are clean and pretty much in order. Our closets and dressers are organized. A couple of years ago, we stripped off the outdated wall covering in the bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom never got painted because the walls require some repair and a lot of prep. Last week, Quinn said he would hire a painter and have the bedroom painted in the next few weeks. In the master bathroom we did a mini makeover; walls painted, new vanity & faucet, new towel bars, floor, and lighting.
The family living spaces – living room, foyer, dining room, main bathroom, and laundry area are in order – and usually are. If we didn't have our scrappy little terrier dragging stuff in from the garden, the living room would be perfect all the time! I feel that the balance of personal items, furniture, and open space are right for us. We have a huge, walk-in pantry that I go through every year to clean out expired food and things that I know we aren't going to use. The pantry could use a little straightening though – about 30 minutes tops.
The kitchen is in fairly good order. The cupboards aren't overflowing, dishes are neatly stacked. We usually put the dishes in the dishwasher as soon as we are finished eating. Once the dishwasher is through its cycle, the clean dishes are put away. The few items throughout the day that require hand washing are put in the sink until after dinner. I'm fine with that because there is rarely much in the sink.
The Bad
The guest bedroom took a tumble for the worse when my son inherited some furniture from his father. My son's guitars and the excess furniture from his father are stored in that room. I'm not happy about that because about six months ago, Quinn and I painted the room and I purchased fabric for window coverings. We were going to put a daybed and bookcases in the room for my books (which are mostly in storage) and my scrapbook supplies. On the plus side, this room could be put to rights in about 2 hours, if I could find a place for the guitars, a few excess pieces of furniture, and did some closet reorganization. My son needs to help me with this!
Since my son is rarely home, his room seems to be a dropping off spot for laundry and for him to crash when he isn't at his girlfriend's. To make matters worse, he recently inherited a bunch of furniture from his father which makes my son's bedroom over crowded. On the bright side, I can close his bedroom door and pretend the room doesn't exist. However, that doesn't help my son learn to be organized or to take care of his belongings. My son needs to go on a 3 hours cleaning/organizing spree!
What used to be my office has been taken over by Quinn. We love spending time together, but the office was too small for both of us to comfortable work in. As soon as I moved my desk and bookcase into a corner of the living room, Quinn filled up the office with bookshelves, filing cabinets, and boxes of memorabilia he is listing and selling on Ebay. Unfortunately, his collections are too valuable to be stored in an outside storage shed. However, I HATE that the little space I created for myself long before I met Quinn is now over flowing with stuff. It was my own little sanctuary and I loved it. The kids were only allowed in when I invited them in. We used to snuggle up in a big comfy overstuffed chair that I have had my entire life, and have tea and biscuits and read or tell silly stories. Today, I really looked at my little room – saw it for what it has become and I cried. I need to let go of this because as long as we live in this house, that will be his office and I strongly feel that people need their own space to do with as they please.
The Ugly
Our garage currently contains inventory for two businesses (mine plus Quinn's), various keepsakes, clothes, etc. In addition, my son stores his fishing equipment and boxes of toys in the garage. Since my son is twenty-six and no longer plays with Legos, Masters of the Universe, and various action figures, most of the toys in the garage should be donated to charity. He has a few collections plus his train set, and a few really nice things like the rocking horse his Grandpa made for him, that he can keep to pass down to his children.
Quinn needs to move the classic car parts(which he is in the process of selling – it is a very slow process) that are in the garage into another storage area. He has promised to purchase a free standing unit to put on the side yard, outside the garage (and out of view from the house and garden) so that we can organize the garage.
Solutions
Pegi's formula for organization, The 3-Ds is pretty straightforward; Do (fix, take care of), Dump (get rid of – trash, charity, sell) and Delegate (assign someone to do/dump). We need to set up a schedule and all pitch in on this one.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Day 9
I woke up humming "Woke up this morning feeling fine. There's something special on my mind." I can't believe that an old Herman's Hermits song would be stuck in my brain!
Yesterday afternoon, my mood turned melancholy. There is so much to think about – and so much to do. It was so hard not to become really depressed. I have really great parents – I grew up in a house filled with love. So I don't know why I have these hang-ups.
Well, that's not all together true. I do know why – and I don't blame-blame my parents. They were the product of their own upbringing. I just feel like I have so much to do to make a real change in my life. Some things I don't feel prepared to tackle just now. On the other hand, if I don't try to make changes, then I will have wasted my time. Grrrr!
Yesterday afternoon, my mood turned melancholy. There is so much to think about – and so much to do. It was so hard not to become really depressed. I have really great parents – I grew up in a house filled with love. So I don't know why I have these hang-ups.
Well, that's not all together true. I do know why – and I don't blame-blame my parents. They were the product of their own upbringing. I just feel like I have so much to do to make a real change in my life. Some things I don't feel prepared to tackle just now. On the other hand, if I don't try to make changes, then I will have wasted my time. Grrrr!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Day 8
Wow! My head is reeling. Pegi and I did a phone session this morning and I feel like I am on information overload. So many books to read – so many people to talk to – so many 'exercises' to do. I get that I am who I am at this moment in time because of the lessons I was taught as a child. I also get that with the right tools, I have the power to rewrite these lessons. I think that I can manage the solo parts; it is the talking to others that scares the heck out of me.
Years ago, a male friend and I wrote a screenplay together. I never felt that it was good enough but we pitched our idea anyway. I am supposed to contact my friend and talk to him about pitching it again – this week.
I have two female friends (ex-sisters-in-law) that are very dear to me. We love each other unconditionally. We talk about everything under the sun – but I know that I always hold back the bad/hurtful stuff. When we spend time together, they share everything with me but I don't do the same. I share bits and pieces—not whole truths. I am supposed to call or meet with both of them this week and share my journey with them.
I'm not sure that I can just dive right into this head first. I feel that I need to test the water with my toes first. Can I practice on someone else?
Years ago, a male friend and I wrote a screenplay together. I never felt that it was good enough but we pitched our idea anyway. I am supposed to contact my friend and talk to him about pitching it again – this week.
I have two female friends (ex-sisters-in-law) that are very dear to me. We love each other unconditionally. We talk about everything under the sun – but I know that I always hold back the bad/hurtful stuff. When we spend time together, they share everything with me but I don't do the same. I share bits and pieces—not whole truths. I am supposed to call or meet with both of them this week and share my journey with them.
I'm not sure that I can just dive right into this head first. I feel that I need to test the water with my toes first. Can I practice on someone else?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Day 7
I had a rough night and didn't sleep well so I slept in this morning. I ended up taking a walk mid-morning – after coffee. But I walked – and that was a good thing. I really didn't think much while I walked through the park. Instead, I noticed how much the trees had grown in the fifteen years since I took my son there to fish in the little pond. I was envious at how nice the new baseball diamonds are now, compared to ten years ago, when he played youth baseball. The light breeze made it easy to walk, even at a swift (for me) pace. If is amazing how a small thing like a forty minute walk can clear your mind.
I've been thinking about my 'health' box. Walking is great for the body (heart, lungs, metabolism) but I think it is also great for the mind as well. Today, it was a way for my mind to not work so hard. Sort of an escape from my current, all consuming project. Noticing the changes in my neighborhood and reflecting on great memories from the past are all good things. Aside from walking, drinking more water than coffee would be a good thing. I used to drink herbal tea in the afternoons – I think that would be a nice way to add a little 'me' time to my day as well. I think a few endorphins might have tiptoed into my brain!
I've been thinking about my 'health' box. Walking is great for the body (heart, lungs, metabolism) but I think it is also great for the mind as well. Today, it was a way for my mind to not work so hard. Sort of an escape from my current, all consuming project. Noticing the changes in my neighborhood and reflecting on great memories from the past are all good things. Aside from walking, drinking more water than coffee would be a good thing. I used to drink herbal tea in the afternoons – I think that would be a nice way to add a little 'me' time to my day as well. I think a few endorphins might have tiptoed into my brain!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Days 5 – 6
Yesterday and today just sort of melded into each other. I spoke to Pegi today about the walking thing. Right now, I'm in the middle of this humungous project and instead of 'allowing' myself to take time out to clear my head, or to even reflect on all that I have accomplished, I get up in the morning, fill my body with caffeine, and pick up where I left off. Suddenly, the day is gone and I haven't done one thing for myself. I keep telling myself that once this project is done I can do whatever. But once this one is complete, there will, and should be another to consume my days. If I don't start taking care of me now, when will I ever find time?
Pegi suggested that before I fall asleep, I tell myself that I am going to get up in the morning, get dressed, and go for a 20 minute walk. She also suggested going before I have my morning coffee – not to deprive myself of my favorite beverage, but to anticipate how wonderful that first cup of coffee will be when I get home. Reminds me of that old saying about absence makes the heart grow fonder! I'll give it a try.
Quinn and I took our puppy to the Bark Park. It was great fun watching our little girl run and tumble with the other little dogs and puppies. There are so many interesting people there and everyone has an entertaining dog tale to share.
We ended up cooking one of our traditional Brit favorites for dinner – Fish & Chips. We try to cook together, but it is sometimes difficult. I'm a perfectionist and want everything done my way. Cooking is also a creative outlet for me, not just a way to feed my family. I don't mind 'teaching', but Quinn just wants to get it done. He's better at laundry and dishwashing than cooking!
Pegi suggested that before I fall asleep, I tell myself that I am going to get up in the morning, get dressed, and go for a 20 minute walk. She also suggested going before I have my morning coffee – not to deprive myself of my favorite beverage, but to anticipate how wonderful that first cup of coffee will be when I get home. Reminds me of that old saying about absence makes the heart grow fonder! I'll give it a try.
Quinn and I took our puppy to the Bark Park. It was great fun watching our little girl run and tumble with the other little dogs and puppies. There are so many interesting people there and everyone has an entertaining dog tale to share.
We ended up cooking one of our traditional Brit favorites for dinner – Fish & Chips. We try to cook together, but it is sometimes difficult. I'm a perfectionist and want everything done my way. Cooking is also a creative outlet for me, not just a way to feed my family. I don't mind 'teaching', but Quinn just wants to get it done. He's better at laundry and dishwashing than cooking!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Day 4
Today was full of work. My brother called from the road while driving through Biloxi, MS. He wants to visit all 50 States before he turns 60. Before leaving on this trip, he mapped out all of the country western dance places with hotels within walking distance. After this trip, he will have 5 more states to visit, including Alaska. He missed that family vacation due to the Vietnam War.
My work goal is slowly moving in a positive direction. I am taking a teleseminar and have picked up a lot of useful information. I hope to be 100% done with upgrades by Friday night and then spend the weekend running tests on the integrity of the HTML coding. Fingers crossed on this one.
I kinda like this daily journaling thing. It reminds me of how much I really do accomplish in a day. It also allows me a little personal reflection time as well as some time to think about my goals for the coming day. I think Pegi suggested that I should journal in the morning, but that doesn't work for me. I'll have to ask her why I should do this in the morning rather than in the evening.
My work goal is slowly moving in a positive direction. I am taking a teleseminar and have picked up a lot of useful information. I hope to be 100% done with upgrades by Friday night and then spend the weekend running tests on the integrity of the HTML coding. Fingers crossed on this one.
I kinda like this daily journaling thing. It reminds me of how much I really do accomplish in a day. It also allows me a little personal reflection time as well as some time to think about my goals for the coming day. I think Pegi suggested that I should journal in the morning, but that doesn't work for me. I'll have to ask her why I should do this in the morning rather than in the evening.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Day 3
One of the things I need to add to my budget is my son's college expenses. I need to have his father come over for a family meeting sometime soon so that we can determine exactly how much money we can each commit towards our son's education.
Pegi gave me this great scheduling diagram to fill in with my goals for the week. There are seven boxes; Fun (the largest), Marriage/Romance, Business, Physical Health, Spiritual, Family, Financal.
I forget why Pegi wanted me to fill it out. Maybe it is because when we don't schedule things – actually put them on the calendar - they get lost in the shuffle.
I noticed that the Fun Box was the largest box. This week, this box is going to be hard to fill. When Quinn, my life partner, gets home this weekend, we are going to take our puppy to the dog park and then go to lunch (his treat). That is always fun.
Since Quinn has been out of town for most of this week maybe I can write him a nice little note to let him know how much I appreciate all of his support and put that in the Romance Box to do tonight?
My Business/Work Box is really full. I have deadlines to meet - and I can't keep moving them out. My goal is to complete a document upgrade by tonight and then verify links and references over the weekend.
What's in my Health Box? Maybe to eat more raw veggies, go for a walk every afternoon, drink more water and less coffee. Tonight, I'll fix a raw veggie salad for dinner and then I'll take a walk. I'll make an effort to walk everyday.
I'm not clear on the Spiritual Box. I no longer attend church on a regular basis but I strongly believe in a higher power. At random times, I have conversations with that being. Am I supposed to actually schedule a time for meditation? It seems to me that it is like my creative energy. When it flows, it flows.
Looks like my Family Box is full. I call my parents every couple of days to check up on them. I can write this in the box -- but I always do this. I called my niece (we have a movie date for next week) and talked to my older brother 3 times. He is out of town so I wanted to make sure that he had everything at his home was covered.
My Financial Box is full with reviewing my stocks, my bank accounts, scheduling my bill paying (7/13), and making bank deposits (7/11). This weekend, I plan to make out a budget for my son's school expenses. However, if my work project isn't done, some of this stuff will have to be rescheduled for next week.
I have a feeling that this is more involved than meets the eye. I'm sure that Pegi will help me figure it out. It seems like some weeks, the boxes will be off balance. Maybe it is how they balance at the end of the month that matters.
Pegi gave me this great scheduling diagram to fill in with my goals for the week. There are seven boxes; Fun (the largest), Marriage/Romance, Business, Physical Health, Spiritual, Family, Financal.
I forget why Pegi wanted me to fill it out. Maybe it is because when we don't schedule things – actually put them on the calendar - they get lost in the shuffle.
I noticed that the Fun Box was the largest box. This week, this box is going to be hard to fill. When Quinn, my life partner, gets home this weekend, we are going to take our puppy to the dog park and then go to lunch (his treat). That is always fun.
Since Quinn has been out of town for most of this week maybe I can write him a nice little note to let him know how much I appreciate all of his support and put that in the Romance Box to do tonight?
My Business/Work Box is really full. I have deadlines to meet - and I can't keep moving them out. My goal is to complete a document upgrade by tonight and then verify links and references over the weekend.
What's in my Health Box? Maybe to eat more raw veggies, go for a walk every afternoon, drink more water and less coffee. Tonight, I'll fix a raw veggie salad for dinner and then I'll take a walk. I'll make an effort to walk everyday.
I'm not clear on the Spiritual Box. I no longer attend church on a regular basis but I strongly believe in a higher power. At random times, I have conversations with that being. Am I supposed to actually schedule a time for meditation? It seems to me that it is like my creative energy. When it flows, it flows.
Looks like my Family Box is full. I call my parents every couple of days to check up on them. I can write this in the box -- but I always do this. I called my niece (we have a movie date for next week) and talked to my older brother 3 times. He is out of town so I wanted to make sure that he had everything at his home was covered.
My Financial Box is full with reviewing my stocks, my bank accounts, scheduling my bill paying (7/13), and making bank deposits (7/11). This weekend, I plan to make out a budget for my son's school expenses. However, if my work project isn't done, some of this stuff will have to be rescheduled for next week.
I have a feeling that this is more involved than meets the eye. I'm sure that Pegi will help me figure it out. It seems like some weeks, the boxes will be off balance. Maybe it is how they balance at the end of the month that matters.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Day 2
I just finished one of my 'homework' assignments – filling out my budget sheet. I think that the purpose of doing this is to show me exactly what my monthly obligations are. During the week, whenever I make a purchase that is not on my budget, I have to put the receipt in an envelope. This is probably to show me how much I spend on things that are not necessarily budgeted expenses. Since I am in the habit of saving my receipts, this shouldn't be too hard to do.
Right now, as I fill out Pegi's form, I am thankful that I didn't start this a week earlier! Last week was my son's 26th birthday and I took him and his girlfriend out to a $75 lunch at The Clubhouse and gave him a check for $260 - $10 for each year. I guess I should figure out what I spend in a year and add them to my budget. Normally, I wouldn't spend that much money it was more of an emotional expenditure since I was really missing my son. I haven't seen him much since his college semester ended. He has been house-sitting and doesn't make it home much. Hmmm, maybe this is something Pegi can help me with – not going overboard when it comes to spending $$ on presents.
Right now, as I fill out Pegi's form, I am thankful that I didn't start this a week earlier! Last week was my son's 26th birthday and I took him and his girlfriend out to a $75 lunch at The Clubhouse and gave him a check for $260 - $10 for each year. I guess I should figure out what I spend in a year and add them to my budget. Normally, I wouldn't spend that much money it was more of an emotional expenditure since I was really missing my son. I haven't seen him much since his college semester ended. He has been house-sitting and doesn't make it home much. Hmmm, maybe this is something Pegi can help me with – not going overboard when it comes to spending $$ on presents.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Day 1 Of My Journey
I drove up to Pegi's this morning for our first session. Because of my schedule, I opted for private sessions. OK – I really wanted the private sessions because I am ASHAMED of where I am today. We talked a little about my family before Pegi asked me some very direct questions. No beating around the bush. Pegi is kind, but she gets right to the heart of things real fast. She asked me how my parents dealt with anger and then she just sat back and listened. No one ever outside my family believes this, but it is true. My parents never get mad – never. No lie. They never yell at each other. They don't always agree, but they always seem to work out their few differences in a peaceful, intelligent manner. Must have been fun raising three kids in the 1960s & 70s!
My deal with anger is that I wait until I can't 'take it anymore'. Next, I blurt out my feelings, usually making no sense at all, and then I withdraw. Almost immediately, I often feel remorse, whether or not my anger was justified. It's like I am not allowed to get mad. Often, I turn the blame back towards myself.
Guess what? When I was a kid, when I got mad or did something wrong, I was sent to my room (abandon) until I was civil (ashamed)! Huge revelation! Bet that would have taken about six years of therapy to uncover. Took Pegi only about 5 minutes! Pegi explained that I was never given permission to be angry. Now I understand why I am always afraid to express my anger to the people I value the most; I'm afraid they will abandon me!
Since my folks surrounded us with love, and a safe, secure environment, I never really understood why I have always feared abandonment. Just understanding why I have this fear assures me that once I conquer this it, I can really begin to move forward in my life with confidence. Yippee!
My deal with anger is that I wait until I can't 'take it anymore'. Next, I blurt out my feelings, usually making no sense at all, and then I withdraw. Almost immediately, I often feel remorse, whether or not my anger was justified. It's like I am not allowed to get mad. Often, I turn the blame back towards myself.
Guess what? When I was a kid, when I got mad or did something wrong, I was sent to my room (abandon) until I was civil (ashamed)! Huge revelation! Bet that would have taken about six years of therapy to uncover. Took Pegi only about 5 minutes! Pegi explained that I was never given permission to be angry. Now I understand why I am always afraid to express my anger to the people I value the most; I'm afraid they will abandon me!
Since my folks surrounded us with love, and a safe, secure environment, I never really understood why I have always feared abandonment. Just understanding why I have this fear assures me that once I conquer this it, I can really begin to move forward in my life with confidence. Yippee!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
My Goals
Why do I want to make a change at this time in my life?
-because I fear ending up 65 and penniless
-or worse – 65, penniless AND in debt!
-because I am afraid to move to a new house
-because I am afraid to change the way things are
-because I am afraid of making poor choices when it comes to my money
What do I hope to accomplish?
-to gain the confidence to make good, sound decisions concerning money
-to embrace change
-to see this journey as an adventure
-to secure my financial future
-to continue my lifestyle
-to grow my personal wealth
-to gain a greater understanding of money
What's in it for me? For my life-partner? For us as a couple?
-freedom from the fear I have about money
-a healthier relationship between us and our money
-a life filled with joy
How will it help or hurt my family?
-unsure
What are my options?
-unsure
-because I fear ending up 65 and penniless
-or worse – 65, penniless AND in debt!
-because I am afraid to move to a new house
-because I am afraid to change the way things are
-because I am afraid of making poor choices when it comes to my money
What do I hope to accomplish?
-to gain the confidence to make good, sound decisions concerning money
-to embrace change
-to see this journey as an adventure
-to secure my financial future
-to continue my lifestyle
-to grow my personal wealth
-to gain a greater understanding of money
What's in it for me? For my life-partner? For us as a couple?
-freedom from the fear I have about money
-a healthier relationship between us and our money
-a life filled with joy
How will it help or hurt my family?
-unsure
What are my options?
-unsure
Thursday, July 3, 2008
The First Step Is Always The Hardest
This morning, I woke up excited. I decided to take the plunge and call The Financial Whisperer, Pegi Burdick. I loved that Pegi got straight to the point. She asked me a few questions about what I hoped to accomplish and why. I explained to her that I have always been afraid of doing the wrong thing when it comes to money. Like right now. My man and I are talking about maybe moving somewhere that fits our lifestyle better. Sounds great, huh? Only thing is, I'm afraid to move. I'm afraid of what property taxes will be (we are over 40) on a new house. How can I move away from my parents (major guilt trip going on there). Should I sell my house or rent it out? Should we stay put and remodel my house after he sells his house? The whole thing makes me light headed, like a major sugar rush.
After I blurted out just a fraction of my worries, Pegi reassured me that I'm not the only one that feels that way. It seems that most of us were raised by parents who did the best with what they knew. Unfortunately, they unintentionally imposed 'shame' upon us at a very young age. So as adults we feel unworthy, we don't trust ourselves or others and we may also feel insecure, shy, isolated and have anger issues! Wow! And here I thought I had the greatest parents in the world! Thanks Mom and Dad.
After I blurted out just a fraction of my worries, Pegi reassured me that I'm not the only one that feels that way. It seems that most of us were raised by parents who did the best with what they knew. Unfortunately, they unintentionally imposed 'shame' upon us at a very young age. So as adults we feel unworthy, we don't trust ourselves or others and we may also feel insecure, shy, isolated and have anger issues! Wow! And here I thought I had the greatest parents in the world! Thanks Mom and Dad.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Day Zero
Recently, I have been worried about my financial future. Who isn't these days? It's not just that I had a birthday or that I got laid off a couple of years ago or that my new business isn't providing me with a paycheck. It's all that plus everything else; gasoline prices, health insurance costs, food prices, and the housing market. I gave up Starbucks venti fraps a year ago. That should have been good enough! Then gas prices went sky high. I'm really starting to feel concerned about my financial future. In fact, I've actually found myself in panic mode on more than one occasion. At the rate I'm going, I won't have a dime by the time I reach retirement age. Scary thought.
Anyway, I can only wallow in self pity for so long. I woke up this morning and decided that it was time for me to gain a healthy relationship with my money. Only problem is, I am afraid of doing anything for fear of doing the wrong thing, for the wrong reason! Yeeks – do I feel trapped or what?
I spent most of this morning looking online for answers. Through Ladies Who Launch, a women's networking site, I found a lot of good comments about a woman named Pegi that helps other women work through their financial baggage. The women I read about are all intelligent women. I've even attended a lecture given by one of them - she is smart, stylish, and successful.
It's not that I'm incompetent or stupid. I know a lot about why I am where I am today. I just need a little guidance to move to a new emotional address.
Anyway, I can only wallow in self pity for so long. I woke up this morning and decided that it was time for me to gain a healthy relationship with my money. Only problem is, I am afraid of doing anything for fear of doing the wrong thing, for the wrong reason! Yeeks – do I feel trapped or what?
I spent most of this morning looking online for answers. Through Ladies Who Launch, a women's networking site, I found a lot of good comments about a woman named Pegi that helps other women work through their financial baggage. The women I read about are all intelligent women. I've even attended a lecture given by one of them - she is smart, stylish, and successful.
It's not that I'm incompetent or stupid. I know a lot about why I am where I am today. I just need a little guidance to move to a new emotional address.
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