Progress

Pegi and I keep in touch every few weeks. I am happy to report that I continue to make progress. I've done some backsliding, but now that my awareness has been raised, I don't want to ever allow those old feelings to control my life again. I visited extended family – Lady La – a few weeks ago. I really felt free to disclose, rather than hide my feelings.

While I was away from home for 6 days, Quinn called me several times to complain about things that I neither had control over or couldn't 'fix' while I was 2500 miles away! In the past, I would have hidden my feelings from La. Although I was out of everyone's earshot when I spoke to Quinn, I talked about it to the 3 women that were in the house after I hung up. Their advice made sense to me and I plan to implement their suggestions.

What changed for me is that I didn't feel like I was a failure when I was confiding in my friends. They could 100% relate to what I was going through. I felt stronger, rather than weaker. This is so huge for me because I have felt so alone in my feelings. Suddenly, I feel free to not be so perfect!

Declutter With Scrapbooks

I'm getting good at trashing things that have no real resale value and no sentimental or useful value to me. Several years ago, I began creating scrapbooks for my family. In my new de-cluttering mode, my scrapbooks have helped me sort through what has value and what doesn't.

Quinn and I have a scrapbook of our travels and our life together. It has helped me sort through stuff we have collected in an objective manner. If it doesn't go into the scrapbook, it gets tossed.

I have a scrapbook for myself that has photos of my son and I, plus his baby photos and some family photos (with my ex) that I treasure. I also made a similar book for my ex with father/son photos. In addition, I am doing a book for my son with a blending of family photos as well as the wedding pictures from my wedding to his father.

With leftover photos, I plan to make little books for Aunties and Uncles. Once I’m through, leftover prints can be discarded. After all, how many of the same (or nearly the same) photos do we need? Plus, I still have negatives to reprint older photos and CDs to reprint newer photos should I need to. These can easily be stored in a safe deposit box or at the home of a relative for safekeeping.

I also have 2 boxes of treasures and a rocking chair in my garage that were given to me by an old 'partner'. The boxes have photos of his family, plus family heirlooms that his Grandmother (0ne of my role models) gave me. I have treasured these items for so many years but no longer feel that they belong to me. When I locate him, I will send him the boxes. If he wants the original Stickley rocking chair that his parents gave me, I will make sure it is returned to him.

Paring down is soooooo liberating!

Clearing Out Clutter

I have continued to sell things on Ebay. I've made about $1000 to date. The items I have sold were unused, bought at Tuesday Morning several years ago. I was able to recoup my 'investment'. No profit, but I'm happy to have $1000 more in my bank account! I'm also selling off excess inventory from my business at wholesale. Again, I'm not going to make a profit, but most customers purchased sale items as well as regular priced items. I'd rather sell off excess inventory while it still has some value. I've sold around $250 in excess inventory in less than a week. I have about $300 more to go.

I'm still having a hard time putting stuff back in the rooms that were painted a while back. Every week, when I find a charity flyer or bag on my doorstep, I take a box and throughout the week, I add saleable items to it. On pickup day, I set the box out. It feels good to clean out my closets and to donate SALEABLE items to a variety of charities.

Clearing Clutter for $$$

Last week, I decided that if I wanted to get my hair done I should find a way to generate some income to pay for it. So, I put some stuff on Ebay and made enough money to pay for cut/color with about $300 left over. I think that the best part was how I felt when I looked at the empty shelf in the garage. I wasn't thinking about how to fill it up again or what I was going to do with the money I made. I just felt good that I found new homes for some really nice stuff that no longer fit my lifestyle.

It feels good to get rid of 'things'. I'm feeling less tied to stuff. I can't wait to put more things on Ebay!

Moving Forward

Pegi and I finished our last 'formal' session a week ago. I say 'formal' because Pegi is always there for me – she is just a phone call or an email away! Knowing that someone who understands how I feel makes moving forward so much easier. If I come to a roadblock or find myself regressing, I can drop Pegi a line and she will help me through it.

One of the issues that I am struggling with has to do with confiding in others. I hate feeling less than perfect and when I do, I hate even more having to admit it. So, I rarely let on to anyone when things aren't going great. On the other hand, I don't say much when things are going really well either. 'Don't air your dirty laundry' and 'It is rude to brag' have been messages I have heard my entire life.

Pegi and I spoke several times about how important it was for me to open up to other women. There are two very important women in my life, O and Lady La, who I have know for nearly thirty years. They are like my sisters. Many times, over the years, I have held back when it came to talking about my disappointments and difficulties (see the dirty laundry reference above). I know that I could tell them anything but it is so hard for me to do so. Over the last ten years, I don't reach out to them as often as I want to because I usually feel that I don't have anything to say. Yet when we do connect, either in person or over the phone, we talk for hours.

During our last session, I promised Pegi that I would call at least one of them during the week. So, on Thursday, I called O and left her a message. Although she was in the middle of class, she called me back during her break. We made an 'appointment' to chat Saturday morning. When we talked on Saturday, I allowed myself the luxury of opening up a little regarding my business and a few other things. We made a date to have lunch in SaMo in a few weeks. Baby steps.

Day 28

I look at my life as a work in progress. Along the way, I hope that I will continue to grow and change in ways that will improve my life as well as those who are close me. I believe I accomplished so much in such a short time with Pegi because I was ready to make a change in my life. I already knew that money fears and many of my roadblocks were in some way related to my Mom.

One would think that an intelligent woman could figure out what changes to make in her life and then just make them. But it doesn't work like that! I doubt that I would ever have fully understood why my paralyzing fear of abandonment played such an important part in my everyday life. I didn't have any idea just how deeply rooted these fears from childhood were and how many different areas of my life they adversely influence!

Day 27

Fear seems to control so much of my life. I am finally realizing that when I allow fear to make my decisions for me, I am not being true to myself. To make matters worse, the decisions I make out of fear are never what I really want! At best, they are a compromise. But normally, they are what others want – not what I want! The silly thing is, I am an intelligent woman and most decisions I make that are not out of fear are really great decisions!

When my son and I were on our own, I came up with a really gutsy plan. We had the greatest two years ever! Then I allowed my inner 4 year old to come out and play on occasion. My decision making became cloudy. That little 4 year old began appearing more and more. The more appearances she made, the more that fear influenced my decisions rather than my own good sense.

It is that fear that has influenced my life for the last time.