Day 14

The house is quiet. Quinn got up early, then went back to bed for a few more zzzzzs. My little puppy is asleep at my feet. I read back over my journal and am feeling overwhelmed – and as gloomy inside as it is outside. I am an intelligent, capable, woman. How could I not see what was happening to me? I have made so many choices based on fear. Some choices, of course, worked out great for me. I never did drugs, wasn't promiscuous, didn't lie, steal, or cheat. But I also didn't take chances, didn't follow my heart, and the woman on the outside never lived up to the woman on the inside.

My fear of disappointing my parents dominates everything I do! The pathetic part about it is that my parents don't even know and if I ever told them, which I never will, they would tell me that I have a good life, should be happy with what I have. My Mom's answer to many of the things I dreamed of doing was "now that would make a good hobby." She always told me how creative and talented I was, but then, when I wanted to move my life in that direction, she never encouraged me. I talked to her because I wanted and needed her approval. It was important to me for her to be proud of me for something other than being a good wife, mother, and homemaker. At my last job, with all the perks and bonuses, I earned a 6 figure salary. My mother never said "way to go!" She said something like "that's nice dear."

My Mom and I used to make up little stories. She has a delightful imagination. When I wrote an entire screenplay, Mom always referred to it as 'a little story.' When I went on pitches, she never even asked how it went! A feature length screenplay is no small deal - no 'little story'.

Right now, I have to take a breather and remind myself that I do have great parents. They love me unconditionally and would do anything for me. But they are flawed. They are products of their upbringing, just as I am.

As I sit here by myself, I am wondering why I still worry about disappointing my parents. Why should I be ashamed if I do happen to fail or if I do disappoint them? Shouldn't I be more concerned with disappointing myself? I have spent so many years feeling paralyzed! So many years feeling alone. I have self sabotaged so many of the things I have started because of the fear of failing later on down the road! My mantra was "if you don't try, then you can't fail."

I'm tired of being scared to death to move my life in the direction I want it to go in! I think I'm ready to move on.