Day 25 - Day 26

Fear of expressing anger or displeasure is a huge issue for me. I know that I have spent too much of my adult life 'stuffing down' my anger / displeasure / disappointment / fear. I have allowed myself to gain weight during the low / insecure times in my life because of all of the above. I then keep the excess weight on because during these times, it is the only thing I feel that I am in control of.

Sometime ago, I realized that being overweight was also a 'test' for the people in my life. If 'they' still love me when I'm overweight (don't abandon me), then they are OK. Once I feel 100% okay/secure that I will not be abandon, I can lose weight. The weight stays off because I don't have to 'stuff down' the fear of being abandon.

Thanks to Pegi, I understand why I am afraid of being abandoned in the first place. As a little girl, I was 'banished' to my bedroom when I misbehaved instead of my mother dealing with the issue at hand. I grew up feeling that if I displeased the people that I loved, they would leave me. I never learned to confront people in a rational manner. I wait and wait until I can't stand it any longer. By then, I am angry and / or hurt and the other person doesn't understand why I'm so mad because it is the first time I have talked about or confronted the situation. It is not fair to the people I love and it is not fair or healthy for me either.