Day 22

Years ago, I used to buy scads of clothes, gorgeous clothes, because I felt that my life was miserable. I was married but lonely. I would actually get a rush when I signed the credit card slip. It wasn't a happy rush but rather a cold, clammy, almost out-of body feeling. My ex husband didn't mind my spending. We had the money, and he just wanted me to be happy. I guess that we both thought that a fabulous wardrobe (I bought him great stuff too) and a perfect house would make us happy.

Fast forward to three years ago to when I was laid off from a financially great job. Whenever I withdrew money from my savings account to pay my bills, I experienced a similar rush. I found myself paying my bills late to put off that feeling of doom. But of course eventually, I had to pay the bills, feel the feeling of dread, but I had the added bonus of late charges!

I got over most of my needless spending a number of years ago. The voice was still there, telling me that I deserved a 'treat'. I just resisted the urge to spend. Today, I understand who that voice belongs to and now I no longer listen to that child that has 'the wants' because she is depressed, lonely, overworked, sad, happy, under-whelmed, uninspired, etc. Buying something, whether I can afford it or not, has never satisfied any of my needs.